*I've no idea why can't I do the stupid spacing thing, again. Ugh. So I am using this stupid way that I can think of right now. Ugh I hate untidy entries. Sorry guys.
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15 days.
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15 days.
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Where have I been?
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I haven't been anywhere at all, actually. In fact, I am still at the original spot, trying to find my way out from certain things. The strange thing that happened in these 15 days is that, I started writing diary again. I don't do that. I've done that before, but usually it never lasts. I love writing, but when there are thousands of thoughts running through my mind, my hands are not quick enough to note down everything. In this case, my fingers are quick enough.
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Due many reasons, due to who I seem to be now, I can't say a lot of things that I want to, here. A blog is meant to be a place which one express oneself but then I just can't do it as freely as I want to. Ironic, isn't it?
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I can't tell if whatever that I am doing right now is correct or wrong. I can't even tell if I am heading the right direction. It's either I am doing the right things in the wrong ways, or I am doing the wrong things in the wrong way. I admit that I'm lost. Several times a day. There comes a point of time which I just don't know what to do. How to do. People tend to tell me that all these tough times will end, and I always try to convince myself all these will be worth it all, I will be fine and things will work out.
*But do you know that, sometimes just believing is difficult? Just believing things will work is difficult? Because for too many times, the best just doesn't happen.
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It's a mean thing to say, but at times I feel like I was born in the wrong year. I admit that I am facing difficulties working with people who are at my age as well. I am having problems dealing with them. I am tired of talking to somebody and at the end of the conversation, I can see from their faces that they so didn't understand half of the things that I've just mentioned. It's so difficult to find a listener. A proper listener. Because the thirst for gossip just can't be quenched. They want to know what's going on, they hardly care how you're feeling. Stories. They want to hear stories. The worst part is, that fact is so clearly shown on their faces. And that made me feel as though my problems have became an entertainment to them. A topic to be discussed about. A story to pass on during their free time.
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Why is this even happening? Is it that difficult to be there for somebody, selflessly?
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Why is that friendship can be replaced by relationship so easily? Well, in my case, I don't even want to declare that as relationship. Why is it that one party can try so hard and the other party just doesn't give a damn at all? I used to tell Sheen to let go of things. You have tried. At least you did. You didn't give up just like that. Just let her go. She has to live her life, and we can't be with her forever, no? Sometimes, some people learn from mistakes. We can't be forever there for her to tell/force her not to do this or that, because she has to fall and hit the ground, get hurt, and learn from that. She has to realize all these herself. Because without that, and with us telling her what's right and wrong for a thousand times, it won't work. It just won't.
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Campaign Speech. I waited outside the lecture theatre for 2 hours. 2 hours didn't feel as long though. I spent time thinking, a lot. So that 2 hours I was lost in thoughts. I can't even recall what was I thinking about actually. I was just thinking about my life and things. You know, the moment when your thoughts just jump from this picture to another, and in your head you're like imagining thousand of images that had happened or going to happen?
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I walked into the lecture theatre with the sort of nervous smile on my face. I wasn't very nervous actually. I mean, those who were seated, besides Madam Chia & Madam Pearl and the teachers, were all my friends. The mic was the best mic that I'd ever used. Just saying. Heh.
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I guess I am the only whose campaign speech was this short. I really don't like the feeling of telling people the positive points about myself. If I really do have a postive point, they should've realized it themselves, and not having me to tell them, no?
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# By the way, in case you're lost, campaign speech is for the short-listed people to campaign for themselves, in order to get the post that one desires in the Prefectorial Board.
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"Instead of placing a limit to my ability, I'd love to go beyond that. The title of the post isn't something that I am going for, but the chance to learn is what I am seeking for. If I ever get this post that I want, I can't promise to make the school system better, nor to bring the school to greater height, but I promise that I will carry out my responsibilities with willpower as well as to do the very best that I can.
I'd like to end my speech with a quote that one of my senior once shared with me. This quote really did inspire me. 'We were not called to do extraordinary things, but ordinary things with extraordinary love, passion, perseverance and willpower'. Thank you."
-Campaign Speech, 2011
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Conducted assembly for the first time last Thursday. In BM. It was pretty scary. Wasn't exactly nervous. But after all it was my first time doing this in this year. Hopefully I can do better next time. It's really challenging, I should say. & I always wanted to learn public speaking. Always. *
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Attended several events for the past 15 days. Went to Confucian to witness the 10 Leo Clubs Installation. That event was a great success. Pretty impressed. After all, if I were the OC, I can't imagine myself working with 10 schools! So much more things that I've yet to learn, no? Went to MV with Sheen after that. Bought all my seniors' gifts. Spent a lot, but satisfied :)
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I've been practising this.. Okay I don't know what I should call it, but yeah, it's this 10 minutes-getting-all-mad thing. If something ever pisses me off, instead of trying to hold my anger and all, I will swear and get completely pissed off in my head, I will probably swear A LOT in my head, about that bad thing that happened, then after 10 minutes I will forget it. It actually works! Instead of keeping things inside, I find doing things this way easier. I can't make things the way I want it to be all the time, but it's my right to swear inside my head right? Heh. Doing this made things much easier for me to let go of those small details that I am disatisfied with. It's healthy. Trust me ;)
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At least at the end of the day, you won't have already accumulated thousand small things that you're unhappy with, though it's impossible to remove those major problems. But things will be easier. At least I find things a lot easier.
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Holidays just started. I have got a lot to do. I will update soon. Have a nice holiday people! :)
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“I guess I still need to that trying to reconnect with you is pointless. At least for now anyways. I don’t need you in my life, and everyone was right when they told me that time would heal everything. I must admit that I sometimes wonder how you are, where you are, and who’s loving you now. But then I snap back into reality, and I remember that I shouldn’t keep returning to the past. I have a very bright future ahead of me, and it’ll shine just as brightly with you in it or not.”
