It's good in a way, actually. It's something that one should practice, or in my case, learn. I always wanted to learn how to control my anger, be patient, and choose the words I say and the way I talk. Look at the bright side, at least I've the opportunities, right? :)
Postive thinking, positive thinking, positive thinking. Quote Gareth, it's amazing what being positive can do. The power of being positive. Ah yes positive thinking, positive thinking, positive thinking.
Thank God for the fact that somebody insert (is that even the right word?) the set of mind which, being positive helps, a lot. The mind set which, worrying is just a waste of energy. Thank God for that. Or else, I guess I probably have already given up. I won't be able to come this far (well though it's just a few months) but yeahh, you get the idea.
So this was my To-Do List that I've, in this case, typed.
Okay so this was my plan. I did none. Sadly. OKAY IT'S ALRIGHT. IT'S JUST MONDAY. OKAY I'M SERIOUSLY TRYING MY BEST TO BE OKAY WITH THINGS. I need to relax like damn it. Just in case people forget, people tend to forget about this all the time, GUYS, I'm human too okay? I'd love to go beyond my own limits, but you guys have no right to push me too far okay? I will do that myself. THANKS.
Yes, this is me, when I'm stressed up. I admit, too many things to deal with, is driving me crazy. I don't feel like going to sleep at all. The fact is I feel guilty if I rest too much. Because of the undone things. This is so unhealthy. Worst part is, when I don't rest, I'm not even doing anything. GOSH.
Okay, I admit, I am worried for many things. My studies, especially. Each time I try to focus more on top, something just have to come along. Be it simple things like going out for dinner, or people texting to ask about stuff. Simple things like those are actually enough to make me lose all my concentration on my work. Stupid, isn't it?
Reasons why didn't I finish up all the things that I planned to do today:
- I wanted to buy Norwegian Wood but the bookstore doesn't have any stock left.
- I tried to finish up my homework, after dinner, but then 'simple things' came along, therefore I ended up replying texts and lost my concentration due to the feeling of worry about many things.
- I did watch. Half of the show. Then I went to Jusco for lunch + went to Popular, then returned home, watch the second half. Gave up on watching and went to sleep.
- Planned to read after doing my work but then #refer to second bullet. UGHHH.
- I'm too lazy to connect my phone with the laptop.
- The goddamn internet just won't work for me to load that page.
- FAILED APPARENTLY.
This is probably the most emotional post ever. With all the 'UGHH', 'goddamn', & all the uppercase words.
Actually I wanted to come and blog about my holiday To-Do List. The overall one. I'm sorry if this is getting boring due to my super boring schedule, but yeah I really to do this to actually feel.. secure.
Insecurity kills. Just saying.
- Sleep enough, and relax.
- Read a book.
- Catch up with my studies. (In this case, Chemistry, Biology, Add Maths & Sejarah)
- Practice piano (lets just make it once in this whole week)
- Finish up my holiday homework!
- Write letters for my seniors.
- Submit the reports
I know it's okay to feel the need for assurance as it's perfectly normal for one to feel so but there's this feeling that I can't put into words. The feeling is like, I don't know, it's like what my friends say isn't the kind of assurance that I want. Because deep down inside, I know I strongly disagree with them when they said 'I know how you feel'. I have this problem about believing in people when they said they understand what I am going through. I know I should over think nor should I over analyze at all, but maybe it's because I've been told by too many people for too many times that I'm mature for my age. Which probably might be the reason why I think people my age don't understand the message that I try to convey each time. Though it is true in most cases.
Okay I admit, each time I feel like lost and I feel like giving up or breaking down, I need assurance from you. This is super ridiculous but I just feel like talking to you. Because you always know what's the best thing to say. Not for who you're, in this case, but for the words you say.
I sometimes do hate the fact that I want assurance. I hate it when I need it so much from a person that I can't turn to. I hate it when I know this person can't be with me forever. I hate it each and everytime I've moved on, some things just keep making me to turn my back to the past once again. I've moved on but the past is familiar that's why it's tempting. To go back. I know it's a mistake to give in again but I still do it, that's why I hate it. I hate it when I know I have to make a choice between what's easy and what's right. And I hate it when I found out that I always turn to the easy side, and leave the right thing alone. Then when I turn to the right one, some thing just have to come along and pull me back. It's like tug of war and the I am in the middle. Endless. Until the rope snap. Or maybe when one side falls apart.
Hate is a strong word but I don't even know why am I using it.
I admit that all these did give me happy moments, the contented feeling, and the joy when I've learnt something new. But well sorry, I just want to complain. It makes me feel better. Oh and I exaggerate things most of the time. So thought you guys should know. So maybe I shouldn't have used to word 'hate', 'dislike' will be more appropriate.
Done complaining. Will face the next day with a smile :)
Well, I am going to watch City Hunter now and relax a bit more. Will blog again.
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| Make them wonder why you're still smiling. |
