Ignoring the bugs and the fact that there weren't any stars, I agree that taking a walk is a pretty good choice;
I am feeling fine :)
Sorry for the emo post just now. I know probably sorry ain't the right word to be used but no I don't like sad entries so I am going blog now to cover up the one just now.
I was walking alone at the field with my earphones on, and the song Someone Like You was playing over and over again and I can so remember all the lyrics right now. Heh.
I had my phone with me and I was the only one at the field and I just walk aimlessly and slowly the frustration and emptiness and sadness and anxiety and excitement and the mixed feelings just drift away.
I inhaled and the air was actually refreshing, not as bad as I thought. HAHA.
I inhaled air and exhaled frustration and emptiness and sadness and anxiety and excitement and the mixed feeling. A little at a time.
I was surrounded by plants - okay there was a tar road and cars driving pass but shall we just ignore those right now - the trees were beautiful so I took a picture. Pictures, actually.
Then I realized that looking at trees, flowers, leaves, grass and the sky is so much better than looking at Tumblr page. Well in the case when you want to destress. But Tumblr is still awesome cause it has beautiful pictures :)
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| Does this look like a tree? HAHAHA My editing skill -_- |
Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.
Day 5 for Project 30 :)
Ending my life? As in commit suicide? Wow. That's a really bad idea. I've never thought of ending my life at all. Not even once. The worst thought was I wanted to just black out and go unconscious. I didn't want to think at all. I needed a moment to just not think. And I can't do that when I am conscious. When I go to sleep I will dream about it, cause in reality I think about it too much. That's why there was a point of time in my life, I wanted to just black out. And that's it.
When my uncle passed away, the only thing I did was.. cry. And it was only during his funeral and no more tears were shed after his funeral. I miss my uncle. He is one of the most important person in my life. He left us but in a way he remains in our heart forever :) So yeah, I only cried. Pretty reasonable right? But I didn't think of ending my life. Not at all.
When I got set by the principal, from the prefects board. All I did was that I cried and blogged about it. It was really a hard time for me. Some people might think that gosh it's just a freaking post chill and get over it. but for me it wasn't, it was something more than just a post. I think I was just taking things too serious way back then. It was a really hard time because I don't feel like talking about it most of the time but people in school just can't stop asking what happened and I've got explain it thousands or probably millions of times to different people. I was so sick of it and everyday I thought, when is this crap going to end? But no, I didn't want to end my life. I just felt extremely, humiliated, and sad.
What I've learned is that, yes good things do end and bad things do, too. Nobody gives a damn about what happened now, not even myself. Yes, time does heal everything, that's a fact. And each time when time managed to heal your wound, you will know, you've grown up. You are a stronger person already. You will put a smile on your face again, as though it was the first time you ever smiled.
Have you ever had that kind of moment before? Or is it just me?
You just have to get through it. Yes, what happened about this whole prefect thing seems insignificant, but the lesson it thought me is so much more than you could ever imagine :)
Okay, so note to self: time does heal everything, if you let it. End of story.
I wonder how did I let those things go? It seems like it's gone before I could even realize that it was leaving me. Will the same thing happen again?
But well, that time I felt better because I met you -_- OKAYENDOFTOPIC.
The first few months of form 4 was really stressful. It was pretty difficult to cope with my studies and all but I find form 4 really fun and challenging. Yes many people changed and I was like OMG can somebody tell me what's going on? I was feeling very annoyed by myself at times because I feel stupid when I don't understand the lessons. Which happens, pretty often.
Form 4 is still fun, despite all the stress. Oh, and the stress really did give me the world's-gonna-end feeling. But I have faith to make it through. So I will make it through, I am not going to end my life cause of stress. No way.
Even now, I am suffering from this heartache crap. And each time I think of these things, it hurts till I just want to cry. It hurts till I don't feel like doing anything, it hurts till I think I am going crazy. It hurts and it makes me lose faith, feel empty and anxious, and nervous etc. etc.
Eventhough I am losing faith in getting over this, no, I am not going end my life cause of this. I agree I am actually kind of scared... AIH BUT IM GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH ANYWAY LAHHH.
Now I know the power of taking a walk. I am going to do that at a regular basis HAHA YAY.
Conclusion, no, I don't even have a time that I thought of ending my own life. Not even once. And I hope I will never have that thought. Not even a slight bit. Because this thought is scary. It kills one's soul. A bit by a bit, each time you think of it.
So, no, guys, no matter how hard life is, don't think of ending it, you've many other options. And I gurantee you the other option will be better than ending your life.
Life is beautiful. There are many small things in life that are beautiful. Just breathe and look around and I am sure you'll see something amazing :)
WITH LOVE.
