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| London'2011. Credits to my sister. |
So I did say that I'm going to blog tonight. But it was supposed to be after I finished reading my Biology. However, I ended up helping my sister editing photos, trying to put the photos together, in a way which, it looks nice, so that she can make it as her blog header picture...
Yes, I did not study, again. Well, I don't know why I just can't focus. Maybe because my brain is totally off and I am still in this holiday mood + the mind set which exams are still very very far away. Instead of studying, I am blogging now, using my sister's computer, with this 22" big screen.
I feel, quite uncomfortable. The screen is so huge that I feel like somebody is watching me, or maybe when somebody enters the room, they can easily view what I'm trying to type.This feeling is very uncomfortable.
"Why do you bother blogging? It's not anyone reads it anyway?"
'Well, honestly, I don't blog for any reason at all. Most of all, I don't blog for others to read.'
Jhun-Ho used to ask me, several times, about why do I even spend time blogging. Why do I even bother doing it when nobody cares about it. I didn't quite know how to give an answer to all his questions at that moment. I didn't really have a reason why I blog after all. Well, I did have a reason why I started blogging, but that reason isn't something that kept me going on with this habit.
But seriously, do we always need a reason to do something? Before we do something, is it necessary to sit down and think about why should I do this and what will I get in return? Is it completely necessary, at all?
In my life, there are so many reasons why I am doing this, and why I am doing that. I am studying hard (well, sometimes) because I want good results, I am spending my time doing this for club because I'm responsible for it, I'm very punctual each morning because that's duty, and it's something I called principles that I'd keep. Punctuality. I've so many reasons for so many things that I'm doing. Yes, I'd always say I am doing those for myself to learn, which is very true, but sometimes come to think of it, other people are big part of the reasons why I'm carrying all these with me.
Nobody should ever live by others' expectations, but I'm sorry, I can't possibly ignore that, at all.
I admit that the things I do, I'd think what others' would think of me, as in what I'll achieve, what kind of results I will get, I'd imagine a thousand kinds of things of what I think other people would picture. Yes, that's really bad, that's why at the end of all these thousand kinds of thoughts, it will come back to myself, I would ask myself, what do I want? After all these, excluding what other people think, what do I want?
I always try my best to make decisions based on what I want, and not by what others' tell me. It doesn't always have a good end, though. My decisions ain't purely what I want, most of the time, due to too many reasons, too many people.
I can forgive myself for that, because I don't live alone in this world. I've got people around me and other than ignoring what others' think, I should always take into account how other people feel of my decisions. Will they get hurt, angry, excited, mad etc. etc.? I have to think of a thousand kinds of situations before I actually made up my mind. That's why sadly, I haven't exactly make a decision purely for myself, and not for testimonial, my parents, others' expectations, friends, and so on.
Well, not yet.
That is why I blog. Though only a few read it but I do carry on blogging. (Honestly, if my blog gets popular, I would hesitate for long before I type something...) I did not blog for others to read, at all. Because that isn't my original intention. Though readers are appreciated. I blog purely for myself. For the future me who reads back all the posts with nostalgia. For the person I am now and read back my posts to laugh at all the tears I once shed and to shed a tear reading those happy moments that I once had.
So, next time, don't ask me why I bother blogging with this super unpopular blog and weird link (yes I have this feeling to change my link but I've no idea what's good and no I didn't come up with this myself. Yang did.). No special reason, not for anyone, just myself. Just my blog and I. My life is filled with enough things which I can't help but accept, which I can't help but change myself to fit into new things (which I know that is why life's challenging), but this part of me, who is pretty naive deep inside, that only says whatever I want...
Well, I guess I just want to keep this part of myself alive forever.
So yeah this is the thing that I find important, and wanted to share with all my faithful readers (Well the new interface let me know who my faithful readers are). Yes, readers are always appreciated :) Hope this post didn't offend anybody. Don't get the wrong idea, I do think popular blogs are cool :)
Goodnight!
