I've got a good news, and of course, a bad news.
The good news is, I am gonna blog again. I am reactivating my dear ferrerorochelle. We've gone through so much of things and I guess I shouldn't stop blogging like this (:
The bad news is, I am privatizing my blog, nobody is gonna read it, except for myself and its the first step I've gonna make to lock my heart up.
I wanna make my heart to something that feels nothing to everything. I thought my heart was tough enough to handle all these but it wasn't. Prove that I should've work harder. Try harder maybe.
I got fired from the prefect's board.
Due to the video case, Madam Mathews made that decision. Honestly, I expected these. I thought my heart was prepare for it. But when it really lies on me, I felt broken. I felt so worry and I am feeling that everyone's comparing me with my brother.
Comparing and see how fantastic he is, and how I ain't.
I've been trying so hard, I've been seeking for an aim, I just wanna be someone as good as my brother. (Okay, although he is not that good, but still...) I don't know what's wrong with the aim. I wasn't angry at Madam Mathews, wasn't sad. Just feeling broken and lost.
Tears don't seem to make things better. It only works for a while. And when I start thinking of the problems again, tears started flow. Its so tiring and hard for me to hold back the tears every second in school.
Honestly, I don't feel belong to the school. Forcing me to join a prefect's life, and kicked me out of it for a mistake. Yes, who doesn't make mistake?! And now, I am back to a normal student world.
Going back to normal student's world is like...
You locked me a dark room. You gave me a key. But its too dark until I couldn't find my way out.
I am lost inside. I don't feel belong. Eventually, darkness will consume my heart and my soul. Everyday meeting glances with curiousity, blame and annoyed is really terrible. Nobody seems to understand. What I gotta face is the whole school and not only my friends. Its the school. Form1s, form2s, form3s, form4s. Even some of the form5s. Nobody seems to care.
Going back to the prefect life's like...
A princess in a country. All your sebjects love you. But not the king.
You've lost your main support and your trust. Damn, I am feeling damn terrible );
ChiYean said she's gonna write a letter for me. I only have a night to decide. Should I accept? Or not? Seriously.
Everything seems to be back to the starting point. But not my heart. My heart isn't the same anymore. And will not be.
DAMN. I wanna leave.
Just to a place where nobody gets to find me.
Please, God, will you give me a way to get outta this? All I need is strength, and braveness to face these.
I am feeling really broken.
