Let me tell you, it's really amazing how colours can cheer me up and simply brighten my day.
Last Tuesday I had my piano exam, I really did have slight confidence for that, which usually I don't but then I still screwed that exam, my oral, my pieces, my scales, my sight reading...I felt so cold in the room, and somehow I thought, am I seriously expecting something positive to happen? During my piano exam? Hello? Was I out of my mind or something?
I have mentioned this tons of times, piano really ain't my thing. I can probably work hard for my studies sports or what so ever, but trust me, not piano. I just don't feel the passion like others somehow do.
I went to Tesco after my piano exam, ate half of my subway. I was so full that I couldn't eat no more, so I told my mum I will probably stop by at the bookstore, grab a book and probably read a few lines, get some inspiration or whatever, I told her I just want to get something to do and not sit there and wait.
I really hate waiting. For a person, for a text, for a call, for results, for meeting, or whatever.
I'm a very impatient person, as you can see.
More like, I'm quite tired of waiting after all this while.
So I went into the bookstore, I walk aimlessly, thought of grabbing a magazine but I didn't. Suddenly I realized that there are many colours in the bookstore, so I took my phone and took pictures of them. The shop keeper was giving me the what the hell are you doing look but I couldn't care much about what she thinks. I was in a bad mood after all.
Later on, I glanced through my photos, with my new & convenient application, I should add on, I smiled :) It's amazing how colours can brighten up one's day. I browse through my photos, many things ran across my mind, and I thought hey, piano exam isn't my whole world after all :) My world is made up of millions of small things. No?
Received quite a few text messages. Words of comfort. Words that did a great job in calming me down. That's why I always say, how is it possible to live without my friends? You know, the moment that you feel so down, and a text message just come on time, and knowing that someone out there care for you. Sometimes, that's enough.
Not every single moment in our life should go according to our plan. We should learn how to stop busy planning. Life is happening when you're busy planning, right? I thought I saw this quote somewhere before. Readers Digest, perhaps?
So I had my piano exam, I had my Leo Board Interview too. Not gonna talk much about it, but honestly it was kind of fun. It felt like a quiz. It felt like answering a Moral test paper, okay, maybe a little more than that. A little more difficult, involves more than definisi :)
A few days before my interview, I thought of not going at all. In 4 months, I have working hard in all ways, I don't know what am I going after, I'm just trying my best to achieve what I think I should achieve, what I think I should have, and becoming the person that I'm supposed to be like. First day of form 4, I thought of becoming a prefect, the reason is because I didn't like my new class, my new class is scary, I don't know anyone, I barely talk to anyone except for Jhun Ho, so I wanted to be a prefect, at least I will be busy, I don't have to bother to try to social or whatever. Plus, I did want to sort of prove that, what happened in form 2 was crap. I'm so not the person I was anymore.
That's what I thought at the first month of 2011. It didn't change, it's not like there ain't a change, it's just that I never thought it will, so I didn't bother giving it a thought. Which resulted that I didn't realize the change in myself. Honestly, how was I? I thought I am not the person I used to be anymore, but, what kind of person was I? Years back.
Joining Leo has been one of the best experience ever. Helping people, being an emcee, talking in front of so many people, camp, folding paper bags etc. Small things that seem insignificant, but means a lot to me. Then things began to change, everyone is transforming to somebody else. Talking bad about one, trying to seem active, this and that. Why? I thought. Then, I thought I know why. A post. Status.
I agree the fact that I want to be one of the incoming board member. Right before I join Leo I already have this thought. Because I knew that's good for me. I'll get lots and lots of opportunity, I get to learn, and learning, I know, is a never ending process. More or less my brother did influence me. As a treasurer. Best treasurer in the zone. I thought everyone will think I should be like him, so I have been trying to excel.
I have been working hard. Though I didn't go and do bad things or whatever. But, working so hard to achieve these things, is it worth it? I mean, are all these really that necessary in my life? Seriously?
Apart from being able to learn more, will I lose my happiness because of that? I feel lost.
I know, it's always now or never. So I went for the interview. I thought I should leave it to them. If I really do get a post, I will try my best and do everything that I can that will help the club. If I don't, I really doubt that I will mind for a long time. Probably I might be upset for a while. But I'm pretty sure not a long period of time.
Follow the flow. Be spontaneous. That's what people always say. But I'm already there. Without realizing, I already had all the interviews and I'm at the end of April. I changed. And that's a fact.
I don't know what exactly is the problem now. But I just have million of thoughts in my head.
That's why I went to the salon and cut my hair today. I do that when I want to let go of certain things.
However, it only worked once.
Honestly speaking here, I have never thought I will actually have doubts of what I want.
It's just what high school does, it changes a person into someone they said they'd never be.
