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| taken with Jolene's camera :) |
I am still thinking what theme should I use for the board. I was thinking to put my favorite quotes with all my favorite photos that I saw on tumblr but then I've done that before already so hmm.. what should I do?
Well I did have the thought of doing about 'Coffee & Tea' so I can include all the restaurants and tea and all the beautiful pictures :D And I can ask Isaac how he actually soak the paper in coffee and not get the paper torn at the same time :D I remember he said he used sponge or something like that..
I was bored this afternoon so I downloaded a few application for my phone. The best application I found was an origami application. They actually teach you how to make simple origami. YAY so now I know what I should do after school.. next year.
I had this slight food poisoning in the afternoon :'( So as I was lying on my bed - half rolling myself up as if that can ease the pain - I was thinking, would I rather have this pain, physically, or that hard knock on my chest which probably is just something that I imagined?
Just saying.
I know I haven't been updating much about myself lately. If I did they'll all be in pieces. If I were you I wouldn't know what the hell is going on, instead I'd probably think this person is out of her mind cause her posts are forever about how sad she feels - which really, I agree and I don't like it either - so I kinda made up my mind that I have live my life right.
Well it's funny cause I always say I made up my mind and I know action speaks louder than words and the state of moving on just happen for like days - and if I'm lucky enough - weeks.
But I know I've tried and I am still trying.
So let me you tell you the story, or maybe I am just trying to tell myself this story - because maybe I've lost myself along the way - you know, the period of time when you think you're so sad, you think it's impossible to get out of this hell - when in reality, things are not like that.
I always thought I can sleep away all the problems, I'd sleep for hours and hours - which kinda confused my family if I was dead in the room or something which kinda indicates how long I've been in bed - and I'd wake up every 2 hours and the moment I woke up, no matter how unwillingly I am, the thought of you will pop in mind - or maybe the thought of both of you will be more accurate. And then I'd be in tears for a while and I will tell myself I shouldn't be thinking anymore and then I'll go back to bed.
This lasted for three days. Then it got slightly better :)
Or else I won't be able to sit here and type right. HAHAH. Honestly I am still kinda afraid, things have gotten better before - which I used to think I am getting over things but no I wasn't - and now it's the same feeling over again. I began to lose trust in myself and I find that pathetic.
But it's end of the year now, it's finally coming to an end isn't it? After years.
So what's my story?
I was fifteen. I had a crush on this guy. Then when I was sixteen I realized that it was way more than just a crush - then I have all sort of mixed feelings. Then my happiness began to switch sides. Suddenly my happiness depends on somebody else. It feels good at times - but then it began to get way way too tiring.
Because I know one day, he will leave. And I could see that day coming. And that day is finally here.
All these are finally coming to an end, isn't it?
Well, if you wonder which 'state' we are in, we are friends. Maybe a little more than friends - which I call it good friends. He is a normal guy. A guy that gives mixed messages once in a while - which made me even more tired - because endless guessing and wondering what he's trying to say and what I meant to him give me no answer. He is not those flirty kind but he has a lot of friends. He is a good listener and he gives good advises.
Maybe because he is too nice that's why I misunderstood his messages as mixed messages.
Girls really shouldn't think too much. HAHA.
On the last day of school, he gave me a letter which was written in a blue colour paper - my favorite colour so I was kinda happy HAHA - he gave a tight hug and said thank you for everything, and I was supposed to be hugging back and said you're welcome. But then I didn't. I just stood there and I just had no idea what to do. Blank.
It's finally coming to an end, isn't it? I thought.
Maybe an end would be healthier for me. Second thought.
I opened the letter - which I know I should have done that when I reached home - and I looked at that handwritten letter, I didn't know how am I supposed to feel?
...I'll come back to visit you, whenever that is.
...Promise me one thing. We will keep in touch.
I don't know if keeping in touch is a good thing for me or not. But after 10th, it all truly ends.
After all the tears and laughter, I am still so glad that I met this guy in my life. Years later, we will meet and I'd smile and ask him how's he doing? I'd smile and tell him that I've been doing great, at least better than I thought. I'd laugh at his foreign accent and I will be grateful if our friendship still remains after he found out how I feel.
666th post, something special, isn't it?
Well yeah, some people come into your life just to teach you how to let go.
So there goes my first love.
Goodbye, love.
